Love and money are often connected. In a long-term committed relationship, it’s not always about excitement and fun; you also need to do mundane things like empty the dishwasher, pay the bills, and manage the monthly budget.
Relationships often struggle because of disagreements about money — how much to spend and save and invest, who’s paying which bills, who’s not paying their fair share. With better communication, caring, and generosity, couples can navigate their disagreements about money and keep personal finances from becoming a source of interpersonal friction.
If you want to save your relationship from money trouble, here are a few key tips to keep in mind.
1. Beware the financial pitfalls of moving in together
Today’s young couples are more likely than those who came before them to move in together before getting married. (And many couples never get married at all; you can have a happy life and a successful partnership with or without marriage.) But if you’re moving in together for the first time, combining so much of your everyday lives and your personal finances can present a few big risks and complications.
According to a 2023 survey from the Thriving Center of Psychology, a mental health platform, 65% of unmarried millennial couples and 35% of Gen Z unmarried couples are living with their partners. Moving in together can be a great way to save money on rent and other monthly bills. But some young couples are facing some big headaches about money.
The Thriving Center of Psychology survey also found that:
- 50% of these cohabiting couples do not split their mortgage or rent payment equally
- 37% feel that their relationship is financially unequal
- 29% wish they communicated their expectations more clearly before moving in
- 16% feel as if they moved in together too fast
Try to talk to each other in advance to understand your expectations. Discuss your money management style, your financial dreams and goals, and what kind of lifestyle you’d like to build together. Better communication can often solve many of these financial friction points in a relationship.
But sometimes there are severe, unfixable disconnects in how you and your partner manage money, and you don’t always know it until you’re living together. If your partner is not paying their fair share of the bills, turns out to have a lot of debt or an expensive hobby (or habit) that you didn’t know about, or creates extra work in your life that’s not worth what you’re getting from the relationship, it’s a bad sign that you’re not financially compatible.
2. Share bills fairly (if not equally)
One of the biggest tension points in a relationship is how to pay the bills, who’s paying which bills, and how much each person should pay. Unless both partners in a couple earn equal incomes and split all bills 50-50, you’re going to have to talk about this and negotiate a fair balance that works for both of you.
If one person in the relationship earns much more money, that higher-income partner might need to pay a higher share of the rent. Or if one person in the relationship owns the home (and pays the mortgage) under their own name, the other partner might want to cover other bills to make up for it. Or you can total up your overall shared bills and both chip in a certain percentage of that total, based on your different incomes.
There’s no one right answer for how to share bills as a couple. Just talk openly and honestly about it, and try to be generous and caring to each other. You’re here to help each other and to work as a team, not nickel and dime each other.
One great personal finance app for couples to split bills and expenses is called Tandem (usetandem.com). Just like a tandem bicycle, the Tandem app makes sure you’re pedaling in the same direction and working as a team. Tandem makes it easy for couples to split shared bills based on customized ratios for different incomes — no spreadsheets or Venmo transfers required.
3. Set audacious goals for the future
It’s easy to sound cynical about marriage and relationships like a bad stand-up comedian and act like it’s all a bunch of arguing and chores and boredom that half the time ends in ruinous divorce. That’s not the whole story. At its best, being in a committed relationship is a beautiful thing because it makes your lives bigger and richer. It gives you a partner, ally, and co-pilot on your side, and you can help each other build and dream.
As part of your “business partnership” as a couple, you should have regular “shareholders meetings” to talk about your finances and plan for the future. How much money do you want to save? Where do you want to go on vacation? What kind of home would you like to buy? How do you want to invest for retirement?
And don’t go too far into extreme frugality and financial obsessions. Keep having fun together as a loving couple, as creative, playful human beings. But dreaming big about money can be part of creating a lasting relationship.
Bottom line
Every couple has some disagreements along the way. But if people are being selfish with their money or trying to hide income from their so-called “partner” in life, that’s a bad sign. Being in a relationship should help both of you have a better, richer life — not be constantly bickering about who paid for which percentage of the streaming subscriptions. Keep talking to each other about money, be generous and understanding, and continue building a stronger foundation for your life.
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